Today it was revealed that while lacking any ability to understand hacking or even basic computer usage that the former President knew who to hire when it comes to continued disruption of the American economy.

Text from Trump aides revealed that the twice impeached former president directed them to hire “Some 400 pound guy in his basement.” to attack Colonial pipeline and insist on ransom to restore it’s capabilities. When aides were asked if Trump himself was actually the ” 400 lb. guy”? His aides replied that “Trump does not actually have a basement or basic computer skills”.

It was even suggested that the ransomware attackers had asked to be paid in cryptocurrency that while not in existence as of yet, the attackers wanted “Trump Coins”. No one even knows the value of “Trump Coins” but the attackers stated it would be “The best cryptocurrency ever”.

When Ex-President Trump was asked about the alleged scheme his only reply was “Actually I won Wisconsin and all fifty states for that matter.”