Dear Enthusiastic Reader and Brothers (and Sisters) in Invisibleness, a new year is upon us and so it is a time to reflect on holy topics. So, put on your double-pointed headdress and sit back and I’ll be sure to tell you what you should be thinking about.
Naturally, as the only tier 7 High Priest in the Church of the Invisible Product in the Sky, I am much more qualified to tell you what you should be thinking than you are. What? You think you should be thinking your own thoughts (how foolish of you! See, see what kind of heresies non-tier 7 folks like yourself think. You thinking you should think for yourself is the most compelling evidence I can think of to prove that you shouldn’t be thinking for yourself. Yeesch!)
So put on your antenna on and I’LL tell YOU what to think about in the New Year.
Firstly, you should definitely be thinking about getting a new set of antenna to show your devotion to the IP in the Sky. He or She (but let’s face it, He’s a “he”) always notices the devoted who spend money on showing their devotion, so be sure to visit our Etsy shop where you can get some personalized and highly fancy devotional gear, double-pointed headdress, invisible clothes, and so forth in holiness, homemade in the home of some family in Guatemala, or was is Cambodia? I can never remember which is which, both countries look the same to me. And remember, the more one spends, the more you support our Church!
Secondly, your should definitely think of ways you can support our Church. For example. “like” and “share” all of our posts. Tell all of your friends about us. If you’re invited to a dinner party, say things like “Have you heard about the Church of the Invisible Product in the Sky?” And so forth. Make sure you are wearing your new antenna to really impress the non–believers about how serious you are about devotion to our Church. You may find people asking stuff like “Well if your god is invisible, how do you know he (or she) is real? To which you say, “That’s exactly how we know we’re right!” BOOM! And so forth. You may find yourself being invited to fewer and fewer dinner parties but on the other hand the ones you do go to will surely have people there interested in what you have to say.
Thirdly, while wearing your antenna and spreading the word, remember that the Invisible Product in the Sky might be watching you, like Santa Clause, only real, and not just some fairy tale for children, so be sure to never do or think anything upsetting to the IP in the sky or his servants on earth (aka tier 7 priests, wink wink). Remember, unlike other religions, of which we otherwise support them all, no matter what nonsense they choose to believe, we do not believe in being thought police. Since Our Invisible God that arte/might be everywhere, more or less, He or She (He) might even be here right now as you read this, who knows (do you have your antenna on?). So, there is no thought police, ha ha, as long as you think the right things, who needs police. It’s like shoplifting. We don’t need to police it because we all already know not to do it (unless you do do it, in which case the Invisible Product in the Sky, Santa Clause, and Store Security all already know and you’re going DOWN sucker!). See, so no thought police, think whatever you want.
So there you have it, your three main objectives for 2021: buy new holy antenna, tell your friends about us, and be sure to think all the right thoughts so we don’t need to get the police involved.
Yours in Invisibleness, the Right Honorable Father Pastor A. Pope the Third Esquire (Tier 7)
The $Trillion Dollar Dreadful 