Dear Enthusiastic Reader and Brothers in Invisibleness,
As the only Tier 7 High Priest of the Church of the Invisible Product in the Sky, I want address some disturbing and misguided rumors being promulgated (and that means spread, I am so smart, I know all the holiest words!)…ahem, being promulgated by other “alternative” religions. To wit, I’ve heard some Xtrians try to claim that the United Staes of America was founded by their god and that the constitution was written by their Jesus. Now, Jesus was a pleasant enough fellow (I really enjoyed his advice about hookers: stone ’em if ya got ’em)–but the suggestion that Mr. Christ wrote the constitution is mind-bogglingly dimwitted. As the only Tier 7 High Priest that you know and with all of my several divinity degrees from the best divinity schools that I have definitely NOT made up, I can assure you that I know for a fact–and all religions love facts!–that Jesus did NOT write the constitution because the person who wrote the constitution was me!
I know, I know, you’ve been wondering all of these years who to thank and all along it was me, the Right Honorable Father Pastor A. Pope the Third Esquire. The way it went down was this: one night I was making some macaroni in the microwave, with little hot dogs as divinely ordained by Father/Brother Tiefel, when wham-bam-thank-you-clam sparks issued forth like a burning bush of some kind! But this wasn’t the kind of “burning bush” where the Invisible Product in the Sky is punishing you for enjoying your sex organs, NO! This was the kind of burning bush where the Invisible Product in the Sky talks to you. And then stamps your hand and puts you in the front row of some Philedalpia congress thingy about which the details are a bit hazy what with the several prestigious divinity schools I went to not having any, you know, actual history classes or whatnot. Anywho, there I was, INSIDE THOMAS JEFFERSON’S HEAD. It was kinda like that film Being John Malkovich but instead I was being Thomas Jefferson.
Now to my great surprise, he was suppose to be writing, like, the constitution but in his head all that was going on was stuff like “A-duh why am I so dumb” and also “A-duh why am I big stupid-head atheist” and also “A-duh I’m a big stupid head– now, where’s a slave I can boink” and what not. I know! I was shocked too!
Well, with Jefferson being such a dunce, I understood why the Invisible Product in the Sky sent me, A. Pope, His only Tier 7 Prophet, to save the revolutionary day. First thing I did was remove any reference to ending slavery, if the IPIS wanted to end slavery He never woulda invented it. Then I changed “life, liberty, and property” to “life liberty and happiness” so as to protect all of my future church’s well-gotten gains.
That is why I can tell you with 100% religious authority that the part in the US constitution about separation of church and state is actually about NOT separating church and state–after all, I wrote it and I know exactly what I meant. And that stuff about militias, that IS how god wants you to have loads of guns and shoot your neighbors and stuff. And finally, if you doubt me–DAMN YOU for doubting me!!–I left a clue, one piece of evidence. You know Jesus didn’t write the constitution, because there is never ever even one mention of him or his dad, ever. Not one!
But, there is a continuous reference to the Invisible Product in the Sky, running throughout the whole document (it is a “document,” isn’t it, I used that word right?)…have you found the clue yet? I will pause the video here so you can look it up, come back when you found it. This is some real life Da Vinci Code stuff right here! That’s right–it’s invisible!! By not mentioning the Invisible Product int he Sky at all is how I mentioned it! Bow down before my genius! (Oh, and to my god, too, but mostly bow down to me!)
Yours in Invisibleness, the Right Honorable Father Pastor A. Pope the Third Esquire.