Governor Mike DeWine has released tentative plans for reopening Ohio’s live music industry. The industry has suffered greatly during the pandemic with venues shuttered and musicians unable to work. The nature of live entertainment brings unique challenges in controlling social distancing and insuring a safe environment for patrons.

DeWine drew up the plan in a series of clandestine meetings and secure phone conversations with Dr. Amy “Action” Acton who has gone “off the grid” after receiving threats from belligerent idiots in order to work with the Rational Underground Movement.

The plan consists of 5 stages working toward full recovery of the music industry.

Stage 1) Music venues may book classic rock cover bands, top 40 cover bands, 80’s clone bands, yacht rock, southern rock, alt-country, sports themed bands, and Jimmy Buffet. There will be no attendance limits, no spacing guidelines and no mask requirements. Estimated duration: 4 months.

When all the fans of the musics listed in Stage 1 have died and it is safe for cool people to come out again, gradual staging based on estimated crowd size (lower to higher) will begin.

Stage 2) Music venues may book shoegaze, noise music, synth bands, lounge jazz, acoustic folk, young punk bands who think they’re inventing it, reunions of bands that existed before 1970, reggae bands whose only non white player is the bass player, and bands with television based themes. There will be no attendance limit since expected attendance falls well below whatever regular guidelines will be in place at the time. Masks are required mostly to protect the bar tenders.

Stage 3) Music venues may book stoner rock, art rock, cookie monster metal, experimental jazz by musicians who can’t play real jazz, goth bands, bands with lame gimmicks, bands who think they’re spiritual, old punk guys who never made it in the 80s but won’t quit, folk with drums and a bass, parody bands, and clone bands consisting entirely of little people. Attendance limit of 100 people but it’s just to make these bands feel better. Masks are required for esthetic reasons.

Stage 4) Music venues may book reggae, Grateful Dead regurgitation bands, New Orleans Brass bands that aren’t really from New Orleans, Old guys who were in really great, successful bands in the eighties but still won’t quit, refugees from the rib cook-off circuit (we’re looking at you, Styx!), Fish wannabe bands, indie label bands that sleep in their cars, bands with electric cellos, hip hop, funk, dark cabaret, world music, rap rock, hard rock, garage rock, and jazz by bands where everyone can actually play their instruments really well. Attendance is unlimited because dammit it’s time to get the party started! Masks if you wanna.

Stage 5) This stage anticipates a vaccine or herd immunity and everything is pretty much back to normal. Large touring acts in every genre, full capacity in all venues, the return of all your friends’ bands that you now have to make excuses to miss. It is projected that concert tour ticket monopolies like Ticket Master will have died off in the economic collapse and national acts may once again be affordable for the working class.