Dear Enthusiastic Reader and Brothers in Invisibleness,
(The Invisible Product in the Sky has revealed to me that you ARE an enthusiastic reader and also my BFF (if you haven’t realized this yet yourself, eat seven green M&M’s and contemplate His enormous Invisibleness))!!!
The Church of the Invisible Product fully supports science as we “know” it. Sadly, though, mere mortal men are foolish and the atheist scientists are most foolish. Our limited brains we can no more understand what makes the tides come in and go out than we can understand why protons are even called “protons” for Invisibleness’s sake! All of the things we don’t know could dance on the head of an angel–show me the math that it couldn’t. Ha!
Theologians call the ignorant parts of the brains of scientists “the gaps” and as a God of the Gaps (or GoG for short) we will GoG you with the proverbial spoonful fo truth. We will force truth down your throat by the ladleful!! You will find yourself on your knees, vomiting truth all over the tiled floor of humility–so much invisible truth will be shoved down your throat you’ll think Ron Jeremy was a Tier 7 High Priest. So much truth will be ejected from your stomach that you will think Ron Jeremy was a Tier 7 High Priest living inside of your digestive system. Speaking of gaps in scientific knowledge, until some smarty-pants scientist can explain to me why things taste better going down than coming up, I’ll be keeping my options open.
What all of these smarty-pants scientists don’t seem to get, which I learned while getting all of my various divinity degrees, is that reading is a skill! Words don’t just “mean things” for Invisibleness’s sake! You have to interpret them. Consider the Parable of the Three Fish.
Three fish swam together, the first said “I’ll swim deeper.” The second one said, “NO, I shall swim deeper than you!” The third fish was wise, he said, “I will not swim at all, I will fly.” As he propelled himself towards the sky a pelican ate him. Now, what can we learn from this story? There are many lessons, but the most important one is, don’t even think about it for yourself, I’ll tell you what it means. Gosh, I am a tier 7 High Priest, who are you to try and tell me what a parable means. Yeesch, I mean come on!
The same applies to science. Maybe there was a guy called Darwin (doubt it!) and maybe he did write a book called My Uncle was a Monkey, and so was Yours, a treatise of communist science but what did it mean?? Again, I’ve gone to divinity school, I think I know what Darwin meant, if he even existed at all, or even wrote any books. So, there you have it, as the world’s leading theologian (that you know), that is why GoG is right, and Mrs. Henderson who gave me a C- in 6th grade biology is going to Hell.