The shocking conclusion was reached yesterday when scientists and parents agreed that kids far too nearly resemble insect larvae in behavior.

“They’re just so helpless,” a fed-up parent exclaimed, tired of guessing what the Hell his baby was crying about this time. Scientists have concluded that a baby’s crying has the power to shatter both windows and marriages alike. “How was I supposed to know he wanted me to smack him to make him burp? I thought hitting babies was decidedly not allowed,” he cried out in frustration.

“My kid is a dumbass,” declared another parent without remorse. “The little turd threw a fit because I wouldn’t let him play in the oven. She said she wanted to be a chicken.”  Professionals concur it’s a scientific marvel that humans have made it this far.