President Trump has threatened people protesting the death of George Floyd with “vicious dogs” and “ominous weapons” if they had breached the fence outside the White House, where members of the US Secret Service are “waiting for action”.
“We have secret weapons that nobody can imagine we can use on these thugs. Keep it coming. You’ll see what you get!” Trump tweeted in a late night Twitter spasm.
“We have an elite K-9 defense force like nobody else has. Most people use Dobermans or Rottweilers. We have a force of 200 highly trained chihuahuas guarding the white house that will strip you like piranha! You’ll still be laughing at them when they start ripping your calves out.”
“If you make it past the gate we have pots of boiling oil on the rooftops. Extra crispy libs!”
The president went on tweeting between commercials.
“We have a super secret thing I’m going to tell you about. No one knows this but Ivanka is really the Mother of Dragons as well as my little kitten princess. Mess with us and she will ride one of those baby’s over your protest and clear the land like a thousand gallons of Roundup.”
The white house has has distanced itself from that claim and is attributing it to the recent addition of HBO to the presidents channel selection.
“We’re loading up a bunch of Douglas C-133 Cargomaster planes with thousands of… no millions of.. more frogs than anyone has ever seen in the whole history of the world. They’ll rain down on you like the good old days when the leader didn’t have to take any crap. And I’m not going to be as nice as the last guy who did it!”