As the only tier 7 High Priest of the Church of the Invisible Product, I want to register that my divine and divinely invisible (and therefore impossible to disprove!) god has moved me to share His revelation that the 150 church leaders who recently lobbied to have “yoga” removed from Ohio schools were 100% absolutely and surprisingly correct. We must at all costs keep our children away from any and all non-Judeo-Christian mythologies before we’ve had a proper chance at their young minds first, by which I mean raise them as acolytes to the invisible will of the Invisible Product.
“Yoga” with all its Eastern and Asainy belief systems attached to it may end up confusing the children of Ohio, many of whom have two-digit IQs due their parents being siblings with 2 digit IQs (I’m looking in your general direction Barberton). Meditation, exercise, and mindfulness may sound great to the godless commies who teach in public schools, but if they haven’t even managed to disprove our Invisible Product in the Sky, who are they to supersede our authority as parents and religious leaders–we get first cracks at those teeny tiny minds, so back off!
And now that “yoga” has been banned, there are few more “alternative spiritualities” that need to be whitewashed from our schools. Here is a partial list–feel free to forward it to Governor DeWine, your local school board, or just shout it at people at bus stops…you know, what ev! Did you know that in Dungeons & Dragons, our children worship mythical beings like Demogorgon, Lolth, and Gygax the 25th level Wizard? They have moral alignments, such as Lawful Good and Neutral Evil and stuff like that. We can’t have a pretend game teaching our children morality when the Invisible Product in the Sky has declared to me in a dream that that’s my job! Also, what’s the deal with “the force”?? I mean come on! Star Wars, out! Star Trek, out! Harry Potter, out! Also, comic books, sushi, vegans, Thomas Jefferson, the Big Bang Theory, also The Big Bang Theory, Einstein, Guam, Navaho rugs, Buddha, Panda Express, the Three Stooges, one half of Abbott and Costello (you know which one!), The Simpsons, Futurama, and peg-legs.
Your Brother in Invisibleness, the Right Honorable Father Pastor A. Pope the Third Esquire (Tier 7)