Unable to get his recently favorite Covid-19 solution through FDA approval due to the fact that it kills people if ingested, Trump has used back channels and subservient congressmen to enlist the help of the nation’s illegal Meth labs to produce and distribute the drug to his followers.
Diverting funds from programs to give incubators to premature infants, Trump has been able to create a national stockpile of the ingredients to distribute throughout the cartels and motor cycle gangs of Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, and West Virginia. Supplies are delivered by Justice Department operatives along with recipes in MasterCook format.
“I’m not going to let the sissy Democ-Rats keep this extremely good, profitable, so good nobody can believe it drug away from the American people!” the president claimed. “People are dying from this hoax! It’s in the Chinese take out food. What have you got to lose?”
The drug has appeared on the street in three forms so far; a powdered version called “Chlorocaine”, a pill version known as “Droxies”, and liquid droplets on small squares of paper with pictures of the Kool Aid pitcher and Jim Jones known as “Blotto”.
Dicky Charleston, president of the Iron Horse Mutherfuckers motorcycle club from Erie Pennsylvania, is delighted to be working for the government.
“Sheeit! We’re makin’ money and not having to hassle with the man cause we ARE the man! Last time I was part of the government was Nam and we all got screwed, chewed, and skidooed. It’s about time Uncle Sam gives us a little sumpin'”
Dealers of the drug frequent NASCAR bleachers, sports stadium walkways, and Walmart parking lots. They can be spotted by telltale wearing of jeans that have one leg cut into shorts and their red MAGA hats sideways.
Law enforcement officers have basically turned a blind eye to the trade.
“We can’t keep up with this stuff. Fuck ’em.” Captain Gene Hardwood of the Erie Police told us.
“You can’t arrest stupid.”