Welcome to the Church of the Invisible Product,
I am your guide to our spiritual beliefs, the Right Honorable Father Pastor A. Pope the Third Esquire. With my various degrees in divinity from several prestigious and not in any way made up leading divinity schools, I am one of the world’s leading theologians that you know–so you might as well take my word on things.
We worship the Invisible Product, which is sometimes also called the Invisible Product in the Sky-depending on context-not depending on location. We don’t rightly know His location, since He is after all invisible. And you will note that I refer to Him as a “he”–since He is invisible He is all or any gender as His power deems appropriate. But, let’s face it, He’s a He–that’s the way all the best gods are. Otherwise how would He know which public restrooms to use in North Carolina? If anyone tells you their god is genderless, that person is probably a communist or an atheist or something like that, so run home and Purell your ears until the Invisible Product in the Sky tells you not to. If anyone tells you that ALL gods are “genderless” then they are definitely a communist and probably an atheist, a scientist, a college professor, or a smarty-pants….heck, they are probably most of those things. I suggest you run home, buy a gun, wash that gun in Purell, and eat steaks and cheeseburgers until your sense of unease passes.
In this column I will be sharing the divine revelations of the mighty Invisible Product in the Sky and as the Church’s only tier 7 High Priest you can bet your sweet patooty that I know what the hay I’m talking about. One of the mostest greatest powers of the Invisible Product is that of course He is invisible! As such, no smarty pants communists, atheists, scientists, or college professors can prove He doesn’t exist. Cha-ching! And neither can the IRS–can I get a “Cha-Ching!” and 3 “Holy Macaronis”! So watch this column and I will be telling you what the politicians, the other religious leaders, the atheists and the smarty-pants are afraid to say.