In a stunning turn of events that rocked the religious world, Jesus has announced that he is resigning his role as Savior and Deity. A long time stable of the only universal administration, Jesus has been the official Savior for over 2000 years.
Reached by TDD for comment, Jesus had this to say.
“I never really wanted to go into the Deity business. It was something Dad kind of pushed on me when I was younger. It was always just expected that I would follow into the family business”
Citing boredom and an inability to make a real difference, Jesus has grown weary of the pressures and repetitive nature of the job.
“I mean, day after day, year after year, millenium after millenium, it’s the same routine. Listen to the prayer line. It’s always ‘Save me! Save me!’ when there really isn’t much I can do about the things these people have gotten themselves into. No one takes responsibility. And all these attempts to get on the guest list for Heaven. For MY sake! Just do what you are supposed to to to pay the cover.”
“I used to be able to have fun with it, doing little pranks. I’d show up on a piece of toast or in a urine stain under a highway bridge. That used to be good for a laugh but it just doesn’t do it for me anymore”
Jesus also sited complaints with the overall management and direction of the universe as well as a lack of opportunity in his decision.
“When I took this job I was supposed to make big changes from the original organization, usher in some improvements in tolerance and empathy and such. But Dad holds all the cards and frankly, he isn’t getting any less grumpy with age. The guy’s freaking immortal! It’s not like he’s going to retire or die. There really is no room for advancement for me.”
Jesus hints that his future will be quite different from his time as the Personal Savior of millions of Christians. He looks forward to an extreme change of focus and lifestyle.
“I had dreams before I took on the Deity thing just like everybody else. I want to play bass in a jam band. I want to tour some festivals and just hang out and get high with people. I’ve always been a chill person above everything else. Also, don’t you think it’s about time I finally get laid?”