Russ Tucker, captain of the Fort Wayne Kentucky Screeching Eagles Militia and open carry activist, was gathering some extra condiments at the self service station of the Subway at the Randy Weaver Memorial Shopping Center when he found himself called into action to foil a robbery in progress.

“I was puttin’ my mustard packets and napkins (I always like to fold them in an American flag triangle just top keep in practice) into my bag when I noticed a group of colored girls hanging around the cash register waiting for their order. I saw one of them slip two bags of kettle cooked chips into her back pack while the sandwich artist had his back turned. That’s when I knew I had to act and act quick!”

Tucker’s choice of weaponry that particular day was the Mk 153 Shoulder-Launched Multipurpose Assault Weapon because the color complimented his desert camouflage overalls. He quickly fired a round at the perpetrators, striking the counter just below the cash register.

The resulting concussion knocked Russ backward, but when he regained consciousness he was able to see that he had indeed thwarted the robbery.

The blast had killed seven customers including the perpetrator and two workers, as well as causing $104,000 damage to inside of the store, a 14 foot hole in the brick bulding structure by the entrance, and destroying three customer cars parked next to the bulding.

Tucker was questioned by police but was released after claiming self defence because he felt threatened by the girls under Kentucky’s Stand Your Ground law.

“Always pack!”, Tucker told reporters. “It’s your second amendment right and your duty. You never know when you will be called to service.”